I'mma get your heart racing in my skin tight jeans, be your teenage dream tonight. 

Once upon a time, we were 16.

We stayed up all night. We wasted money. We avoided doing our math homework. As sixteen year old kids, we thought we knew everything. The world once conspired against us, but in reality, life was never fair. Our parents were our worst enemies, but in truth, for most of us, they are our support system. We had our own share of "frenemies" but then we realized that there are only either friends or enemies.

We all had our teenage dreams. Everyday we woke up living in our own personal worlds. The world, at that time, were our friends and whoever that special someone was. We tried to be smart about things, but in the end, it was easier to let things go. We were vastly different. Aesthetically speaking, we knew right away why we were so insecure.

Being sixteen once felt like a tug o' war. We wanted to grow up, yet we projected ourselves longing to be forever young. Personally, when I was sixteen, all the girls in my school (including me) had Mickey Mouse, Lisa Frank and Barbie school bags. But at the end of the day, all we wanted was to gain independence. We wished our parents were much cooler. We longed to get out, drive away and party.

Screw studying. Screw Algebra.

Once, we were sixteen. As time passed, so did the trends of cartoon character school bags fade. We had to start loving books and pens. We learned to say hello to homework and planners. Say goodbye to the dreams of driving away and partying with just being dreams because now, we are finally old enough to do it. We graduated high school and we graduated from braces and acne. Bid adieu to our frenemies and welcome the greatest enemy - ourselves.

Sometimes, I miss being sixteen. It was the age of innocence where in the biggest problem we ever had was getting our crush to say "hi!" to us back...or letting your parents sign your failed Algebra test. The only issues we dealt with were gaining weight and not being "pretty enough" to find a date to the prom. We thought we had life figured out. But, oh boy, were we wrong about that.

They say that when two people part ways, whether it be a friend or lover, they become complete strangers. Yes, it is a forever cliche and irony that the people we once knew are now people we pretend to not know...at all. How is that even possible?

As time passed, I learned a few things. Strangers surprise you. They come into your life so suddenly, crashing into your walls and tearing them down (this, you allow it to happen unknowingly) and they invade your being. In the end, they leave a little of who they are within you. This, you can never deny. But then I learned that strangers don't have to be another person. They don't necessarily pop in, well, physically. However they do sneak up on you, always unknowingly...and then you realize that sometimes the stranger is yourself.

Was there ever a point in your life where in you stopped knowing who you are and what you wanted to be? It feels like the line between being forever young and growing up has become more and more visible. You used to be so sure of yourself until one day, it hits you and you realize you're lost. Some people don't even realize it at all. You have then become a stranger to yourself.

But just like any other relationship that starts from being strangers, when you finally do meet yourself, it always feels exciting. Indeed, it is a new beginning. You start building yourself until you feel it, this is who I want to be. This is who I am. Congratulations, you have just established a relationship with yourself.

Just like parting ways in any other relationship, parting from the person you used to be is painful as well. Remember, there's an imprint. But then, imprints aren't necessarily there to inflict pain or to remember it. They are still a little piece of who we really are. You can change a lot, but there's always going to be something about "you" left in there. In time, we'll all learn how to handle it. Ourselves.

At the end of the day, I realized: If I met me before, I wouldn't know me. Maybe I would, but not so well.

Strangers.

Everyone deserves a second chance. 


We aren’t perfect. We make mistakes, and we can make lots of them. But that’s all part of the process of figuring out some things. We can screw up a million times and if we’re lucky, be given more than a second chance. You could even be given so much more.


Lucky if you are loved. 


If you are loved, sometimes the chances become endless. So don’t hurt a heart that is generous of chances. She means well. She means love.  Pointing fingers over what happened isn’t necessary because sometimes, acceptance is more fitting. An apology is always a start. 


Everyone deserves a second chance. 


In accepting a second, third, fourth or whatever chance…mean well. Mean love. 

"The truth is painful. Deep down, nobody wants to hear it, especially when it hits close to home. Sometimes we tell the truth because the truth is all we have to give. Sometimes we tell the truth because we need to say it out loud to hear it for ourselves. And sometimes we tell the truth because we just can't help ourselves. Sometimes, we tell them because we owe them at least that much."

 (Grey's Anatomy)

365 days in a year. That’s 365 chances. 

A few months ago, I was completely different from who I am now. Time flies by so fast and how time makes people change is magical. The person who I never thought I would be is who I am now. And I have got to say, I’m pretty happy with how life surprised me. 

A few months ago, I screwed up. I ended up hurting people I cared about. The only things that were of my concern were my own self and my fears. Although human beings protect themselves by instinct, I built walls high enough to stop people from climbing in. When somebody was brave enough to knock them over, I was too stubborn and kept adding the cement and concrete. Eventually, people got tired from climbing and I found myself in a situation I have ironically been preventing to be in. Alone. 

A few months ago, I was afraid. I never challenged myself and even when I thought I did, I realized I just stayed where I was comfortable at. The fears that I had prevented the good from coming in. 

A few months ago, I was stupid. Almost every decision I made had to be processed by friends or other people. I forgot that I had a mind of my own. I forgot to take responsibility in the things that mattered most. I complicated the things that were easy to figure out.  I destroyed myself with it. 

A few months ago, I forgot what it was like to feel. I didn’t turn stone cold, but in fact, it was the complete opposite. I was an emotional rollercoaster. There were too many feelings that it was getting hard to distinguish what I really felt. Happiness turned into a lie and was overshadowed by sadness. Fear covered pain. 

A few months ago was last year. 

It’s a New Year. We all have the choice to do better. Every day is a chance to do so. In the attempt to aim higher, dream bigger and love more I hope we too become much wiser.  

There are 365 days in a year. But lucky for us, there are 366 in this year. 

So, go out there and good luck. :)

She opened the door for me and the first thing she noticed were my eyes. They've been through a lot in one night and morning.

My eyes were tired. It's been a while since they've leaked that many tears. 

It's always comforting to know that there's someone you can come home to. Home, on my opinion, is feeling like you're your complete self. There is just an overflow of happiness when you're home. You become happy about yourself. You are grateful to be born the way you are. Home is being able to do the best and the worst of things and feel accepted. 

I lay down on her bed and the tears started falling again. "I haven't cried this much in a while..." I confessed. She sat down, looked at me and waited. I started talking. She listened. 

I've never quite felt this in a while. I've never felt so frustrated and confused about a person I truly care about. I've never felt so tired yet strong at the same time. Sometimes I wonder if who I am in front of that person is the real me. Most of the time I ask myself why am I even wasting my time on that person. 

I stand next to you, and now, I don't feel anything but cold. It used to feel like home. Now, I don't even know what I'm dealing with anymore and I don't quite understand why it's still there. From the best to the worst and the nothing to confusing...it's too messy. 

So I told her every detail. She understood where I was at and why I was like this. She felt it. So, she leaned in forward, wrapped her arms around me silently and listened to me cry. Home. 

I've had my heart broken by a guy whom I thought I would be spending the rest of my life with.


"For better or worse, for richer or for poorer and 'til death do we part."


But all good things come to an end. Sadly, this one ended sooner.


I've always been the type of girl that imagined herself to fall for one of her close guy friends. That's the way I've always wanted it. I think it's romantic how strangers find each other, start out as really good friends until they become inseparable and then before they know it, they've created something even more beautiful from it - love...romantic, head over heels, chick flick movie love until over time it grows into something that can't be explained. Nonetheless, it is more beautiful.


"Never fails, never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to and end" (1 Cor 13:8)


The kind of love that makes you wake up in the morning and smile. The reason behind every good day. The kind that inspires you to move your feet everyday and hum a little tune at the back of your head. The kind of love that makes you want to begin and end the day with that person. The kind that gives you the giggles.


We've all had that someone. Some people are lucky enough to still be holding on to that someone. But to those who aren't anymore and can't, you're in luck my friends, because Katy Perry has written a song for us entitled, "The One That Got Away".


But the adults tell me, "You're too young, you'll meet other guys...even better ones!" and the others say, "The time you've been together wasn't too much of a waste of time since you've only been together for a while." Wrong. Once a person has touched your life, that's it. The length of the time they were there doesn't matter anymore. Once you've been whipped, you are completely and utterly whipped.


Before you know it, life decides to play a little game with the two of you. Then one day, the both of you will just wake up and know that things are different. There's the good different...and for people like me, the bad different.


I don't really know how much longer he's going to stick around my mind. The extra concern is how much longer he's also staying in my heart. I only know that I can choose to be happy for him wherever he is right now. Maybe he's over me. Maybe he's not. We'll never know.


I confess that he had me whipped. He still has me whipped. We can only hope that time will allow us to grow and that life will give us another chance to fix whatever is left of what we had or if not, of our own selves. If there's one thing I've learned from this it is that 'to be able to love someone else, one must learn to love himself.'


To end this entry, I leave a few words for the guy that I fell unconditionally in love with:


"No regrets, just love." as what Katy Perry said. It was only love, even in the darkest of our time together. I stayed in love.