Odd Monday

Last week was my last week of summer school and part-time work. Today, I lived my Monday by waking up late, meeting up with some of my friends from the cheering team and then going home early to rest. 

That was us earlier today, driving to this place called, "ShareTea" to try out their drinks.  I haven't bonded with them in a while, so it was really fun to catch up and laugh out loud with them. As usual, we were all pretty sabaw. We were missing a few friends, but hopefully, we'll get to hang out with them next time. 

When I got home, my day began to feel odd. Everything just seemed quiet. There were no papers scattered on my desk. My school bag and file folder were put away to the corner of my room. I found it strange that there was really nothing to do. For the first time in weeks, I felt bored. I've kind of forgotten what this felt like. I began suffering from work withdrawal. Right now, I pretty much wish I was exhausted from training and school work rather than sitting here, typing. 

But, hey, it's been a while since I've last written a blog entry. To be honest, I haven't got a clue on what to talk about. I miss writing. I've been saying that for months now and I haven't really gotten back to it. I feel like I lack inspiration. All the ideas I had before had been sucked out of me when I got my heart broken. I just can't imagine certain things anymore. 

I miss writing stories. I miss writing monologues. I miss writing plays and scripts. But no matter what I do, right now, I just can't imagine anymore. Writer's block? I don't really know. Somebody, please, find me a cure for this. This just isn't me. I'm a hopeless romantic. Ideas for these things come naturally to me. I spent most of my Monday wondering, "What happened?" and "How do I believe in it again?" 

Spring Cleaning

A few weeks ago, I was hunting for a rat in my bed room. That was also the perfect moment to do some spring cleaning.

It had been a while since I've last pushed the bed and peeked under the headboard. Piles of boxes and plastic containers were covered by dust bunnies. I patiently pulled out each one, dusted them off and opened them to see what was inside. At the end of the day, I found myself reminiscing.

Baby pictures were scattered across the wooden floor. Some pictures reminded me of the people in my past. Some of them I still know very well now, others, I do not. Most of them I miss, while the rest don't really matter...I think. That's the funny thing about pictures, they give you mixed emotions.

Along with the box of pictures were other boxes - gifts, from my old loves. Some of them were necklaces, Hot wheels sets (I was crazy about them before), letters, mixed tapes/cds, bracelets and cards.

I read the letters again. Some of them, I wanted to burn. The others, gave me the answers I've been searching for for months. Gifts, just like photographs, also give you mixed emotions.

There's just really one thing to it, it's the past. For most of us, we struggle to overcome it and move forward. For others, they choose to run away and completely forget about it. The rest, are still buried in it. The past is a tricky thing. I am a combination of everything.

After four hours of cleaning, I placed a bunch of the things I found back to where I found them. The others, I pushed them farther back, hoping not to see them anytime soon. I don't really dispose of things I have mixed emotions about. It's best to just hide until you're ready to deal with them. The few ones, I kept close to my pile of things now.

I know it's not always good to hold on to the past. But I guess sometimes, we have to choose what we hold on to. The past isn't entirely a bad thing. At times, they guide you in finding out the answers to present questions.

Hopefully, now, I finally find what it is I'm looking for.

Fables and Fairy tales

I got to thinking about all the stories my mom used to tell me when I was little; I demanded stories about Barbie and princesses. I distinctly remember my favorite book back then entitled Barbie Riding Champion. I never really desired to be an equestrian. However, I probably did want to grow up with all the attention -- just like Barbie.

Perhaps, every little girl was brainwashed of the “fairy tale”. It came in the form of a prince, hot pink convertible cars and royalty. Nevertheless, as we grew up, so did our library expand. There came the stories about the origin of things, mythical creatures, talking animals and the like. At the end of every story, we were asked one thing, “What is the moral of the story?”

Somehow, we find it easier to recall all the good and carefree things from our childhood. Things were much simpler back then. Everything had a happy ending. Before, the steps to achieving this happy ending were quite simple, just (1) play fair, (2) say sorry, (3) smile, (4) don’t judge other people, and lastly (5) be loving to people, even the horrible ones. 

When all the story books have been packed away, we then begin to deal with the story that matters most: our lives. With every turn of events, the pen is then uncapped and glided against a clean sheet…or a yellow pad, papyrus? Whatever tickles your fancy. 

In dealing with the story of our lives, the battle between fables vs. fairy tales starts to commence.  

We all like to believe in happy endings, but the sad truth is, it never comes easy, no matter how many steps you take. Turning a page of a book isn’t as quick as turning the page of YOUR book. The odd beast, stepmother or big bad wolf isn’t just the enemy: it’s circumstance.  

As we wait for the plot of our lives to develop, we sometimes tend to look back at the other pages. Then, I realized that our stories are probably just like reading comprehension exercises. We need to look back at some details. Once we find it, we then get to answer the mother of all questions, “What is the moral of the story?”

The Top 5: Things You Realize During A Long Drive

Where will you be 5 years from now? How about 10?

On a Friday night, a group of friends met up and decided to drive down South for pizza and beer. It was a fun get-together that we haven’t had in while, so, it was nice to finally see each other and talk.

It’s always fun to reminisce about the day we first met. We ended up laughing about the most memorable and terribly crazy things that happened to each one of us. Then, we realized how time flies. We’ve grown up. From trash-talking subjects and professors to engaging in conversation about the things that really matter in life (career, dreams, opportunities), we have definitely come a long way. Through the journey of triumph and loss, I’m glad to know that there are people who will always be glad to be there for you. 

When I was a kid, the answer to the question, “What would you like to be when you grow-up?” was plain and simple. A popstar.

The long drive back home gave me time to reflect about my life. If I would be asked the same question again, the answer would still be plain and simple. A Victoria's Secret Angel. 


Just kidding. 


Happy. 

But as long as we’re talking happiness here:

The Top 5 Things You Realize During A Long Drive:

1. 5 years from now, I would like to live happily in my own place.
2. 5 years from now, I would like to establish myself in a business.
3. 10 years from now, I would like to be married.
4. 10 years from now, I would still like to have awesome get-togethers with the good friends I have.
5. 10 years and more, I would like the shotgun seat in my car not to be empty during memorable long drives like this. 

No return, No exchange

I have a problem with acceptance. The good thing is, I’m not the only one. You see, most of the time, people turn to their defense mechanisms to feel safe. One of the most common among the long list is “denial”.

As Meredith Grey (Grey’s Anatomy) said, “Denial: it’s not just a river in Egypt. It’s a freakin’ ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?”

Denial is ironic. It is a wonderful yet horrible thing. It’s an easy way to escape things we don’t want to confront, feel or even see. However, at times, it strikes back. It would suck more if it strikes at the moment that we least expect it. It’s a war we are never prepared for. It can hit you ten times stronger than the first hit of pain you’ve felt.

The question is…how long do you think it will catch up with you? If you had the power to know about it, what would you do to avoid it? Or in the end, are we ever really hopeless and forced to feel the pain? Then there’s always the unavoidable, “How long are we going to swim in it?” and of course, “How do we finally get out of it?”

Haha. This sounds so S&M of me.

Too bad life follows the “no return, no exchange” policy. We take what we get and try to play Mr. Brightside. There really is no way to take back mistakes, take back hurtful situations, and constantly cheat losses.

When it’s finally time to take it all in, is it more appealing to deny it or accept it?

Shampoo

One fine summer afternoon, I was in the shower, washing my hair and contemplating on a "Top 5 List". Creating one suddenly seemed like a good idea. The problem was what I would make it about. Dancing? nah. Writing? nah. Beauty? nah. Fashion? not really good at that... Being emo? What's there to write about...?

Then I thought about myself and how this list would reflect me. So, I looked in deep and confessed just how messed-up I am. 

The Top 5 Ways to Screw-Up

1. Expect

Have you ever heard of the saying, "Expectations lead to disappointments"? It's true. You can never expect things because expecting means having a bias. Expectations could be selfish, thoughtless and heartless.  To begin with, life is never fair. It isn't like Burger King, wherein you can always "have it your way". And we have to realize, things happen because they're meant to happen. You can't write your entire destiny. 

2. Drunk call someone

The most stupid thing you can ever do is drown all your sorrows with alcohol and call people. Stop it. People don't need to know and feel sorry for you. Your slurred text messages and speech won't earn their hearts back and neither can they change fate. Its embarrassing. 

3. Boundaries

Sometimes, things are right in front of you and yet you refuse to take it all in. Why? Because you'd rather shut yourself out from it. You'd rather protect yourself than get lost in it. Often, we forget to live and let go. No man is an island. "Walls" aren't exactly cool and people do get tired from climbing them. In love, nothing is more exasperating than knowing that your partner can't let you all the way in. Nothing is half-baked in love. 

4. Reflect on the past...over and over and over and over again

There's a reason why it's called the PAST. It happened. No need to bring it up again. KTNXBYE!

5. Give-up

Whether you're giving up your dreams, giving up on someone or giving up on yourself...just, DON'T. Believe that everything will get better, because it really will. And remember, "Nothing worth having ever comes easy". We know how bad we want something, but sadly, the minute something bad happens, we forget everything we ever believe in. 

My top 5 list is based on my personal experience of screwing people over. Sadly, when you screw people over, you screw yourself over. 

Lessons learned. 

There was this girl that I used to fight a lot with in grade school. When I say "a lot", I mean every single day. I don't exactly remember what we fought about since it's been years.  After every ridiculous fight we ever had, we hated each other even more. She thought I was obnoxious and she was just too much of a lame-ass killjoy for me. I was sure that after graduation from every level possible of my education, we would kick our "frenemy" relationship to the curb.

Ironically, we're still best friends.

Although I don't remember the reasons why we fought, I clearly remember calling her every time I knew we hurt each other. On her part, she would attempt to talk to me the next day. We chased one another. Somehow, we both wanted to be at peace with each other too. In an odd sense, it seemed like the two of us never stopped trying.

Ew, we sound like we're in a relationship.

But seriously, when I think about it now, she and I never had that whole pride bullshit a lot of people have nowadays. It makes me wonder, how come as we get older, it gets harder to apologize and even more difficult to forgive someone?

Why does pride get in the way of so many relationships when we get older? What is wrong with apologizing and trying? We could say "I'm sorry" when we were kids and answer with an, "It's alright." and make it work. We were taught that in Kindergarten. However, with the way people are going at these days, it's like we never learned anything in our formative years.

The thing with pride is that it makes mountains out of molehills. With simple things, why do we choose to let someone go instead of letting something go instead?

We get hurt, we say sorry. We forgive, we live.